Love First, Then Self-Love: A Truth No One Talks About

They tell you to love yourself first. To just do it. As if self-love were a switch you could flip. But for those who carry the weight of developmental trauma, this is an impossible demand. How can you pour love into yourself when love was never poured into you?

Love isn’t born in isolation. It’s mirrored, received, felt in the warmth of another’s presence. Only then, in time, does it become something we can internalize—something we can call our own.

This is what so many miss when they speak of self-love. They forget that love must first be given before it can be claimed. They overlook the child who reached out for comfort and found only emptiness. They dismiss the nervous system wired for survival, not softness.

But some therapies acknowledge this truth. AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) is one of them. Here, the healing starts not with self-generated love, but with receiving—feeling safe, feeling seen, feeling like you matter. Only when love is absorbed, felt deeply, does it have the power to become self-love. And this is why I consider myself incredibly lucky to have found this model. It aligns with what I’ve always known to be true: Healing is not about forcing self-love. It’s about experiencing love first.

Because trauma blocks love, connection, and creativity. And in turn, love has the power to transcend trauma, heal us, and reconnect us to our Self, our soul, our source, and each other.

Your wounds were not created in isolation, and they don’t have to heal in isolation either. If you’re ready to be seen, heard, and supported, I’m here.