A friend of mine, an excellent therapist, wrote to me today about how people are increasingly confused about psychotherapy, real psychology, and all the trends floating around.

“It’s not their fault,” I said. We live in a world where correct and incorrect information blend so easily that even for specialists, it’s sometimes hard to tell what’s valuable and what’s just a scam. And inspired by her comment, I want to talk about a question that caught my attention: Should we control our thoughts, or should we let them go?

If you read about psychology, you’ve probably seen both ideas thrown around. One says, “Control your thoughts, direct your mind.” The other says, “Let go, stop trying to control your mind.” It sounds contradictory, right? But actually, both are true—it just depends on the situation and, of course, on who you are.

A Bit of History: Control Your Thoughts – The Classical CBT Approach

This idea comes from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), developed in the 1960s by Aaron Beck and Albert Ellis. They built on an even older idea—Stoic philosophy—which teaches that our emotions are shaped by our thoughts. If you change your thoughts, you change how you feel.

CBT works best when thoughts are clearly irrational or distorted. If you believe “I always fail” after one small mistake, CBT helps you challenge that and replace it with “I made a mistake, but I can learn from it.” It’s practical, logical, and effective, especially for anxiety and depression. Although I am not a fan of this model, its mechanisms of change are real and powerful in many situations.

Let Go of Control – The Mindfulness Approach

The opposite perspective comes from Eastern philosophy, particularly Buddhism, and entered Western psychology through Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) in the 1970s. This idea was later refined in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). The key message? Not all thoughts need to be controlled.

Trying too hard to suppress or change thoughts—especially intrusive ones—can make them worse. If you’ve ever told yourself, “Don’t think about a pink elephant,” you know what happens. ACT and mindfulness teach that thoughts are just mental events, not truths. Instead of wrestling with them, we can acknowledge them and refocus on what truly matters.

So… Control or Let Go?

The answer depends on the situation. Control your thoughts when they’re distorted and actively making things worse. Let go when trying to control them only fuels the fire. Real therapy—and real mental clarity—come from knowing when to apply each, noticing what works and what doesn’t work for you, and frequently (but not always) knowing why you react the way you do.

When to Control Your Thoughts – Some Simple Ideas

If your thoughts are clearly distorted—like “I’m a total failure” or “Nobody will ever love me”—it’s time to step in. These thoughts feel real, but they’re not facts. Challenge them: “Is this 100% true? What’s the evidence? Could there be another way to see this?”

If you’re stuck in self-defeating beliefs like “I’ll never be able to speak in public” or “I’m not good enough,” cognitive restructuring can help. Instead of thinking, “I have to be perfect,” try, “I can prepare well and still make mistakes, and that’s okay.”

If the problem is situational, like anxiety about an exam or social event, actively shifting your thinking can reduce stress and improve your performance.

When to Let Go of Control

If you’re stuck in rumination—replaying negative thoughts over and over—fighting them only makes them stronger. If you catch yourself thinking, “Why did I say that? What if they hate me?” mindfulness teaches you to notice the thought without engaging with it. Just think, “Oh, there’s that thought again. I don’t have to follow it.”

If you’re dealing with intrusive thoughts, like in OCD, panic, or trauma, trying to push them away only makes them worse. Instead, observe them like passing clouds. Let them come and go without grabbing onto them.

If you struggle with perfectionism or overthinking, letting go of control can help. Accept that no decision is perfect, and taking action is often better than overanalyzing.

How to Know Which to Use?

A quick self-check:

If your thoughts are distorted and harmful, work on reshaping them.

If controlling them makes things worse, step back and let them pass.

It’s not about choosing one approach forever. Therapy—and life—are about flexibility. Sometimes you need to challenge your thoughts. Other times, you need to make peace with them and move forward anyway.